Jeff Gordon Fires His Entire Pit Crew

NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon has announced he has taken advantage of a new “Stimulus Package” program to employ inner-city youth by firing his professional pit crew, and replacing them with ex-gangbangers.

The decision to hire the boys was inspired by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from street gangs were able to remove a set of wheels from a car in less than 6 seconds — even without proper equipment. Gordon’s existing pit crew could only do it in 8 seconds, even with the benefit of hundreds of thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech machinery.

The scheme was hailed as an “excellent and bold move” by Gordon’s management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.

At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and several photos of Teresa Earnhardt in the shower.

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