Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The olestationbus On Craigslist (NSFKids)

Up for sale please find my 1963 Ford Falcon Station Bus.

Let me answer a few questions about my Station Bus while I still have time before the deluge of emails start rolling in directing me to some cockamamie website encouraging me to sign up, enter their site and essentially offer up every bit of my personal information, as well as all my porn links.

If you looked at the pictures before reading this, don’t think for one minute you are buying a pansy ass modern day minivan.

17 cup holders? The only cup holder in this Station Bus is the roll of duct tape on the dog house over the engine.

Air conditioning? Yeah if you crank down the two front windows, open the old school wing vents and flip open the four opening windows along the sides of this American made machine.

Heat? Hey, if you looked at where I am located you will know I don't need no stinking, no longer leaky, radiator hose bypassed heater here in The Sunshine State.

Leather seats? Not a chance in hell as not one cow lost its life in the production of my Station Bus.

Cruise Control? The only cruise control on this beast is the pressure of your right foot on the accelerator pedal.

Automatic Transmission? Yeah, it’s an automatic as you automatically shift its 3 speed column mounted shifter in time with the application of the third pedal approaching the speeds of 18 mph, and 32 mph.

GPS? Rand McNally provides the only GPS in this Bus. The tree killing oversize paper version of their Atlas.

Intermittent Wipers? Yeah, intermittently you can turn them on and off as needed.

Big Ass Tires and Wheels? Not a chance in hell. This Station Bus bears near new standard size stock 13 inch tires and wheels sufficiently capable of meeting the needs of the 170 cubic inch, 110 horsepower producing bone ass stock inline 6 cylinder power plant.

Drips? The only drips on this Station Bus is in the paint on the lower driver’s side rear panel as the valve cover and oil pan gaskets have been replaced within the last year.

Out Run The Cops? The only way you could outrun any Cop in this Bus would be if that Cop were driving a pedal car in the rain. If you drive this sucker at its top speed of around 60 mph, you will be hunting all over for 4th gear.

Car Seat Friendly? Yeah, just weld it to the floor in the back as the only seats in this Bus are for the driver and a very lucky passenger.

Air Bags? The only air bag in this Van would be that drunken hooker you picked up by mistake at The Boot Hill Saloon over in Daytona Beach.

Energy Absorbing Bumpers? Energy Absorbing Bumpers weren’t even a gleam in Ralph Nader’s eyes when this Bus rolled off the assembly line in Lorraine, Ohio in 1963. Just good ole American steel bumpers and each of them possess character producing dents.

Front and Rear Crumple Zones? The rear crumple zone is the 8 feet of Van floor, walls and roof between you and that rear bumper. The front crumple zone consists of your legs.

Rust? Dude, are you serious? This thing is 47 years old. I’m 50 years old and I got more rust than my Station Bus. This Bus, which spent most of its life in West Texas, has had its surface rust repaired prior to its repaint. However, a touch of rust has resurfaced on the nose just between its headlights. And yeah, it resembles a zit on the forehead of a snotty teenager.

Rattles? Again, dumbass, this thing is 47 years old and even though all of the fixed glass weather stripping and all of the door weather stripping has been replaced, it's 47 years old and still loves playing with rattles.

Dependable? I can’t really say if it will be as dependable for you as it is for me as you could hoon the shit out it and then bitch at me all over the internet about what a piece of crap I sold you. But I bought it out in San Antonio, Texas, 2 years ago on ebay. Flew out there and drove it home to North Central Florida. I have put about 8,000 of its 85,000 miles on it since then. Right now I would not hesitate to drive it anywhere on any paved road. Just not very quickly.

Looks familiar? Is it an Econoline? Hey dumbass, go back to the top of this ad and read the headline. It’s a Falcon Station Bus, but every hooser working at Autozone will need to search for the identical Econoline parts with which Ford chose to use to assemble this Bus.

Trades? The only trade I would be interested in is a Pristine, Rust Free, Pacific Blue, 1967 Ford Country Squire 10 passenger station wagon, bone stock, less than 50,000 miles and then only a straight up trade with no cash involved. And its gotta have a roof rack.

Other than that cash on the barrelhead is how I operate.

Anyway, that should be it for you hooligans. If, by chance, I have not answered any questions you might have, feel free to email me at

Spammers will be cussed out and spit at by the first medically challenged hooker I can find trolling A1A.

Local pick up only or I will assist in loading it on the vehicle owned by whatever shipper you choose to pay.

Should you choose to pick it up, you can take a cruise on The World's Most Famous Beach as the beach access pass is good until November, 2010.

Oh yeah, if you one of you Hoons Buy It Soon, the Dale Jr. inspired Lug Nuts are included at no extra charge.
Find it here on Craigslist.

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